Shattered Hearts...

Our precious Graham William (a.k.a. Grammie, Gram-bam, Grammers, Wam-bam, Grambo,

G-man...) One month ago, our lives changed in an instant and forever...it came to a screeching halt and wreaked havoc in every direction. I kissed the kids goodbye at 4:39 p.m. and called my mom on the way to tutoring to tell her how blessed I was to have the life I did and how precious Graham was and how much I adored him. In that moment I felt I was the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. Luke laid Graham down for his evening nap like he had done countless times before. I came home from tutoring and went to wake him up to nurse him. I was horrified to find he was

not breathing and unresponsive. The events and emotions that followed are horrific and traumatic. A typical Wednesday evening instantly turned into the darkest days and moments of our lives....that night and the days and weeks following we have felt unspeakable and often times unbearable pain. I have cried more tears in the last month than I probably have in my entire life put together. I have felt pain and sadness that cannot be put into words. My body has ached and felt physical pain and torment because of my broken heart and spirit. I have struggled with the why's and the what if's and have wondered how this could have happened to us. When I wrote that blog entry a few months ago titled You're Gonna Miss This...I had no idea that I would be wishing with everything in me that I could turn back the clock, wishing I could somehow go back and change the course of our lives. I have found myself bargaining with God. I have thought about all the things I would give up and live without just to have him back in my arms. I have struggled with the idea that God "allowed" this to happen to my baby. I've questioned where He was that night. Why didn't he just save him? It would have been so easy. I've understood first hand the ugly reality that life is unfair...and quite frankly, that stinks terribly. It's horrible and cruel. That this situation was completely out of our control...I did everything in my power to

be the best mom to Graham, to love and care for him unconditionally, to give him everything he could have ever needed and wanted...and yet...that wasn't "enough." That's hard for me as a mom. Those of you who know me well, know that I live and breathe being a mom. I love it with every ounce of breath and life in me. I have always felt blessed and grateful for what we had. And yet, somehow I wasn't able to protect and save my own baby. I long for the past and yet have hope for the future.

Everywhere I look I am reminded of what we have lost...our dear Graham. I began finally putting some of his worn, but unwashed clothing in zip-loc baggies in attempt to save a piece of him. I have a blanket of his that I often hold tight while I weep. It smells greatly of him and yet a bit more of me is beginning to be left on it and I hate it. His smell is starting to fade...again the reality of the finality. James asked to move his car seat back up to the front in the van and I can hardly entertain the thought. Not that it's any better looking at an empty base, but again it's the finality of it all. It's the reminder that life is moving on. I don't know if that makes sense...it's weird...although I know he's not coming back, I somehow feel that in every piece that gets taken away or put away, is a reminder that's he's gone forever. I don't really want life to move on because I don't have my precious baby and I can't imagine how I will and yet I don't want it to stay like it is because the pain is inescapable and I know time will help heal the wound. One thing that has been very difficult as well is taking pictures of the kids. I love taking pictures, but it just seems so "wrong" to just be taking them of James and Lauren. I peek in on the kids at night and feel as though someone has kicked me in the stomach when I see Graham's bedroom door open...dark and quiet. "This isn't that way it was supposed to be!!!!"I think...I just want to scream...

I had thought so much about all the things Graham would get to do with us. I will never hear him tell me he loves me or feel his arms around my neck. He will never taste play-dough, play hide-n-go-seek with James and Lauren, or laugh uncontrollably while being tickled. I have a difficult time not dwelling on all of the things we will miss doing with him. No first steps, first birthday, first swim, first foods, first day of school, first date... Each day I think about what he would have been doing, how much he would have been changing. I long to hold him again, to feel him slobber on my arm, to change his dirty diaper, to wipe up the spit-up, to give him a warm bath, to talk to him, sing to him, nuzzle him and love him with everything in me.

I'm trying to be the mom to James and Lauren that I need to be...that they deserve...and that I want to be. It's hard...it takes everything in me to nurture, love, discipline, and teach them each day. They are my constant joy and I am so grateful for them. They are precious...my ray of light in the dark tunnel I am in. Shortly after we lost Graham, I vowed not to let my kids lose their baby brother as well as their mother. I am so grateful for the thousands of prayers and messages I have received. I do believe it is the prayers of many and by God's grace that I am able to get out of bed in the morning. The kids are doing well. James talks frequently about how much he misses Graham but has often times said, "God must have just been ready for Graham to go to heaven." He asks when he will come back and when we can go to heaven and see him. Lauren doesn't seem to quite comprehend it. She gets excited when she sees his picture or his things, but hasn't verbally acknowledged his absence. We have hugged and kissed balloons and sent them to heaven for Graham. James especially loves that.

We are so grateful for the outpouring of love, support, and prayers we have received from so many people. Thank you for standing by us right now when we have nothing to give in return. The pain is still so incredibly raw and the ache is overpowering. Right now I can't even imagine not feeling this way. We know we have a long journey ahead of us...and I'm sure at times an ugly one, but we will come through this...somehow...some way. I do believe we have a choice whether we decide to live and love freely again. I want to choose to do so and hope that in time I can and will.

Please continue to pray for us as we are still trying to adjust to this new normal which right now I hate with everything in me. Please pray for the kids as they continue to ask questions about Graham. Please pray for me as a mom as I continue doing and being the things I need to for James and Lauren. Pray for our marriage as we have been stripped of everything we grew accustomed to. It is going to take time for us to heal individually and adjust to this new norm together. Pray that we will have patience and understanding toward each other that we both so desperately need. Pray for my physical strength as well. I still don't have much of an appetite and get sick shortly after eating. This has really taken it's toll on my body physically. I feel as though I am a stranger...I hardly recognize myself. I have feelings and emotions I have never felt and my body is anything but "normal."

Through this tragedy we know we must cling to the hope that we will see him and hold Graham again someday...our precious Graham. We miss you so much...you hold such a large piece of our hearts. We can't wait to see you again someday. I have never been so anxious for heaven! In the meantime, we will do our best to honor you by the way we live our lives.

A brief recap and a few favorites...

We have been very busy over the last several weeks as many of you have as well...Here are just some of the things that have kept us busy. We have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of these holiday festivities and just being a family making many precious memories!!

Christmas Tree Shopping

We went to The Chief again this year for a tree, but it was absolutely frigid that night and despite our attempt to bundle the kids up, the wind was relentless. We found a tree....quickly...very quickly...
Poor James....it was C.O.L.D. I felt terrible for him. This was his face after 2 minutes out of the van...literally...Lauren didn't care as much, but this expression was frozen to her face the entire time.
James was reenacting the man cutting the trunk off with is own chainsaw version. It was pretty sweet. Look closely and you can see Luke's big, work glove on too. His hand is in there somewhere ;)
I love watching the kids decorate the tree. Although, there were about 25 bulbs in a 5 inch radius :) We left it like that until we hosted Christmas. I figured I'd spread them out a bit.

Cooking Baking....We didn't do our annual cookie baking party with my sisters and the kids this year. It has just been a crazy kind of year. The kids loved doing everything with me and I sure enjoyed it although I had to pick out a few egg shells and had a lovely dusting of flour all over me.
Almost the favorite part....the frosting, sprinkles, and eating of the cookies won by a bit.

Christmas Eve in their new Christmas JammiesThis picture sums up what these 3 precious kiddos look like many times. James and Lauren are constantly lovin' on Graham. He is one lucky, little boy!

Lauren giving Daddy his good morning kiss on Christmas morning.Christmas morning family picture right before opening presents. The self-timer did a pretty good job!

Ahhh...the snow fun!!!!!
James got a new "James size shovel" as he calls it for Christmas and was thrilled that we drove home in a blizzard and he was able to use it. He has shoveled the driveway many times over the last few weeks!

Lauren loved being pulled in the sled and they enjoyed going down the hill in the back yard. I wasn't able to trek through the snow to get pictures of that...hopefully soon.

They have built 3 snowmen, just to be destroyed when they are finished. I guess that's a boy for ya and a girl who follows everything her brother does ;) So much fun and such great memories!


Last, but not least....my sweet, precious baby boy turned 3 months! Wow, it truly does go faster with every baby! LOVE HIM!!!!!

He smiles and talks to us lots and lots. He would prefer to be entertained by one of us than a toy. The kids both get so excited when the see the monitor lights blinking because that means he is up. And when he fusses they take turns trying to bring him different toys. It's really one of the most precious sights for me as a mama.

He loves his fists and hands. He knocks out his pacifier to get to them. They're often times pink from being sucked on...

Lauren has just become a little mommy to Graham. She loves to snuggle with him, give him things, and tries to pacify him when he's upset. He has brought us so much joy. We're dealing with some minor bumps right now. He's pretty small, so we're trying to supplement a bottle each day of formula to see if that increases his weight. But, he vomits terribly when he takes a bottle. We're trying to figure out if it's the formula or the bottle. We are getting ready to try reflux medicine as well...he doesn't sleep well at all and we don't know if that's due to his size or anything else that's going on...Pray for us if you think of it. It's tough to know how much to push and when to continue asking questions and try new things. He is just the best! I adore him!!! :)

We are so blessed by fantastic family who love and support us, great friends, healthy, vibrant kids and an awesome God who we celebrate during this season. We have so much to be grateful for.

Happy Birthday "Meesh"

In case you are wondering about the name "Meesh," Lauren's middle name is Michelle and quite a while ago we started calling her Lauren Meeshelle, which James somehow picked up on and started calling her Meesh or Meeshy. It has just sort of stuck and I think it's rather endearing. I especially love hearing James refer to her that way!

Yes, it's true...our baby girl turned 2 on the 25th of November! I cannot believe it! It is going quickly and it seemed she literally grew up overnight especially once Graham was born! We had a fun tropical fish themed birthday party for her and believe it or not I have a lot of pictures, but none that are that great! It was tons of fun, but there were LOTS of people and kids and Lauren was never sitting still OR facing the camera! uggg! So, here are a few of my favorite shots taken in the last few weeks!

Her birthday breakfast....one of her favorites...pancakes and a side of apple ju-ju (apple juice)

We had a few days of sunshine and the kids got in a good hour of playing outside. One of her favorite things to do is push the stroller around outside. She's a happy girl!

Last but not least...one of her 2 year pictures that Darcy took. Most of you have already seen them, but this is one of my favorites. It shows her spunky little personality and also how much she is starting to look like a "young lady." Wow...just love this girl!

Here are some special things about Lauren at 2:

-she loves reading books by herself and being read to. She will often times crawl up on laps with a stack of books and sit through them all

-she loves food!!! This girl can pack away the food but you'd never know it by looking at her. She's a tiny one (in the 97% for height and 10% for weight) At this rate she could be a supermodel ;)

-she still hates veggies and can find them in anything and in any form. We've hid them well and she will be chewing, spit out everything in her mouth, pick out the veggie then put the rest back in her mouth. It's awful!!!

-she loves candy! We have to hide my tutoring basket which she has robbed many times and my purse because she will dig through it in search for gum!

-she loves to laugh and everything is a game (which has its pros and cons)

-she is a hairtrigger! She has been known to clear things off an entire table in a matter of seconds without a seconds notice. (we're working on that)

-she's very stubborn. She would rather miss out on something to stick it to us, than to give in and do what she needs to do to get it (like say please).

-she's been in time out more by the age of 2 than James has in almost 4 years :) Seriously...

-she loves her daddy....she will often times take her blanket to him and snuggle up on his lap for a long time!

-she loves to set up animals and play with James. That is until James doesn't think she is doing it right ;)

-she is very dramatic! This may just be a girl thing, but WOW she is so different than James as far as her emotions are concerned.

We just love her to pieces and will continue doing our best to mold her in to the young lady God wants her to be!

Trick or Treat

Well, we braved the wind and cold again to show off our cutie-patooties and gather some sweets. We thought they were just precious! And for the record, both of my kids dodge the camera when they see it coming out, so I don't have many great pictures of them. I think I'm going to dress them back up and get some more ;) They'd love that! HA!

Our little ladybug...

And the policeman....Both of those pictures of the kids was within the first 10 minutes BEFORE their noses were bright red and they couldn't feel their fingers.

How pitiful is she. I'm pretty sure her hands were frozen around her basket and yes those are Easter baskets. I have an excuse though; the little, plastic pumpkins were sold out everywhere and this was James' solution. I tried to talk him out of it. :) Really? Collecting Halloween candy in our Easter baskets?

We had a great time, but we only made it half-way around the neighborhood when Lauren started shivering uncontrollably and James started crying, so we went home, warmed up and headed to Grandma and Grandpa's for the rest of the evening. It was fun and memorable! We all end up at G&G's when we're done trick or treating and they give them treats and the cousins play. It's a great tradition!

Graham even got in on the fun. He was a red, hot chili pepper. I thought it was just precious! He obviously isn't quite so sure...

He's had enough! Graham and Lauren both loved his little outfit! :)

The Pumpkin Patch (twice)

So, for the last couple of years, we have taken the kids to get a pumpkin and enjoy the fall festivities that come with the pumpkin patch...hay rides, wagon rides, popcorn, apple cider, etc...This year was particularly difficult to find a time to go because it has been so cold and rainy. So, a few weeks ago when we had those beautiful days, we packed up the kids after an early dinner and took them to the pumpkin patch. Well... it was closed. ARGGG! It had closed a half hour before we got there. We knew we couldn't go home because the kids were anticipating a fun filled evening. So, we played at the orchard for quite a while. It worked out well because the kids played on the tractor in the hay and ran around and we didn't have to worry about staying out of people's way. So fun... Here are a few pictures from our first attempt...

Love this picture of James!

Boys being boys...

Doesn't miss Lauren look so grown up here? She had a blast running around...NO BOUNDARIES=HAPPY LAUREN! ;)

Graham even got in on his first fall activity. He slept in the car most of the time.

Pumpkin Attempt Take 2:

1 word for this morning out- FREEZING! It was cold and windy, but we bundled the kids up and ventured out for the perfect pumpkin. Here they are...oh and there was mud...lots and lots of mud!

The hay ride was by far the favorite event for the kids. Lauren laughed hysterically the entire time. If you are wondering what that rather large bundle is in my jacket, don't worry I'm not smuggling a pumpkin. It's Graham in the baby Bjorn. He stayed very warm in there and slept the entire time despite the incredibly bumpy tractor ride.

The "perfect" pumpkin
James is into these super, goofy faces right now for the camera. So, this is his happy face.

Here's a better shot of what was stuffed in my coat...a sweet, baby boy! :) We had such a great time and made great memories. It was worth the bitter cold the second time around. And just for the record, after braving the wind and cold for a pumpkin, carving or "guarding" it as James calls it didn't fair so well. As soon as we cut the top off and started to pull out he insides, James started dry heaving terribly. Yep, our weak stomach child couldn't take the sight or the smell. I couldn't stop laughing. Lauren enjoyed it a bit more. James left the table never to return to the pumpkin..Oh well...there's always next year!

You're Gonna Miss This...

You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days, hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times,

Take a good look around,

You may not know it now

You're gonna miss this...

This is one of my favorite songs right now by Trace Adkins. If you don't know it...you have to find it! It's the best and I just LOVE it! You all

know I don't need a reminder about savoring each day and moment with my kids, knowing

it's all going to go way too quickly...I'm a real sap like that, but I'm trying to relish even

the everyday, mundane, sometimes monotonous "duties" that come with

being a mom. Sometimes our kids want us to do things that we have done "a million times before" or when we just sat down, but we know they are going to grow up and that we would do anything to do the little things just one more time... (I'm teared up as I'm writing this. I told you I'm a sap. I'm ridiculous!)

These are some things I/we want to enjoy every day...even though sometimes I'd rather be doing something else...

-building countless animals fences, barns, and hospitals

-feeding them various things such as grass and green pepper

-reading Shiver Me Letters and Guess Who I Am 10 times a day

-making countless play dough snakes, pizzas, and bird's nests

-giving bucking bronco and piggy back rides until my back hurts

-playing hide and go seek and pretending every time that I'm shocked James and Lauren found me ;)

-eating breakfast, lunch and dinner together...even though sometimes I feel like all I do is prepare and clean up meals

-playing Gone Fishin' even though trying to catch the fish on that little pole annoys me!

-answering MANY questions about things that sometimes I don't have a clue about

-looking for raccoons, deer, cows, and horses anywhere and everywhere we go

-stopping to look at the horses and buggies even if I'm dying to be home

-building forts and tents of various shapes and sizes

-putting together the same puzzles

-blowing on bellies

I try and cherish each day with the kids. Some days I'm better at it than others. I've been reminding myself to do it more especially with 3 little ones now, I'm trying to stop

and enjoy the little things even more because let me tell you...it's busy! I believe I have

the best job as well as the most important job on earth!
Here are a few pictures of some of the things I don't want to miss out on...

James and Lauren destroying the house, but having a BLAST and using their imaginations!

More imaginations being used...even though my first thought was, "Really...can't we just leave the seat alone?" They had everything imaginable in this seat...books, clothes, blankets, stuffed animals...


This is my favorite...Luke gives James and choice every night of how he wants to get to the bathroom to brush his teeth. James always asks to be hung upside down. Then Luke brings him to me and I blow on and tickle his belly...every. single. night. It gets old and at one point Luke was done with it, but he said, "When he's 19, I'm going to wish I could swing him by his feet just one more time." (And I'm teared up again...)

You can't see her feet, but she has one my high heels...Love it! In a few years, this won't be "cool" at all...

He won't be this small forever...savoring these newborn snuggles

This was a long post...but my challenge to you mommies out there is to enjoy the little things with your kiddos today even if you want to be doing anything but what you are doing. Remember, You're Gonna Miss This... what would you give just one more time to do with your kiddos? Tell me...

He's Here...

Yep...I did say HE...Graham William was born at 4:55 p.m. Wednesday, September 23. He weighed 7 pounds 10 ounces and was 21 inches long. I just can't get enough of him!!! He's just precious! My delivery went really well and I didn't have to be induced. I was given one dose of cytotec and 12 hours later went into full-blown labor. The delivery was PERFECT and I only pushed for less than 25 minutes!!! And thankfully it was a quick delivery because the cord was wrapped around his neck pretty tightly. Thankfully he was fine, but he was an ashy color and didn't cry for a bit which is really scary for a mamma. Within the hour he perked up fine and has been just perfect ever since! The kids love him, especially James which hasn't surprised me one bit. It's been funny, he thinks he's going to see him grow up like...NOW. He asked me over the phone last night if he had his teeth yet? I couldn't help but just laugh. Lauren is good with him when she pays attention to him, but she's just been doing her own thing. She hasn't seemed too
jealous yet which is great! The kids have been with Luke's parents this week and I miss them terribly! I can't wait to have us all home together although it has been a HUGE help! Here are the pictures of our little man. This was right before leaving for the hospital. Going to have a baby!!

Here he is

We were so proud and shocked that our little Graham was a boy!!

James just loved him!

Here we are as a family

I can't get enough of our snuggle time

Here he is...wide awake!

LOVE HIM

This is the closest Lauren has gotten to Graham!

We are so grateful and feel so blessed to have another healthy baby! I'm so happy andcontent with all I have!