It is Well with My Soul...

Wanted to show you one of my favorite pictures...this munchkin always had his fist in his mouth. And I love that you can see his big, bright eyes....miss this precious boy so much! I can see

his slobber marks on his shirt and just ache to put a new, dry one on him.

We sang It is Well with My Soul at church on Sunday...I cried the entire time. Luke and I had this sung at our wedding and debated on having it at Graham's memorial service. It has always been a special song to us although it holds such a different meaning than it did 8 years ago as I got ready to walk down the aisle. I have begged God over and over to make this song real in my life. When I think of the phrase...when sorrow like sea billows roll...I realize it is the perfect picture of my pain. And yet I want to say and believe, it is well with my soul. I pray this will

be more real in my life than we could have ever imagined. We are trying to

see God in the midst of the pain...knowing beauty will rise from the ashes...

Our grief is hanging on. Most days I wonder if I will ever creep out from underneath its shadow. Although the shadow is most definitely there, lately, I have been able to at least see where I'm walking. The last week and a half have been the "best" weeks I have had up to this point....this is the longest stretch I have gone without falling into a deep, dark slump. It is the first time I have had several days in a row when I felt as though I could actually breathe...that I didn't have a cement block on my chest. I am so grateful for that and yet in this time I find myself once again feeling like a stranger in a foreign land. I've grown so accustomed to the unbearable pain that having 10 days of it easing up is almost uncomfortable. There also comes a level of guilt even though I know those are just lies, for me they are a reality.

Grief has so many complex emotions and working through them all remains exhausting.

I still think of Graham every minute, miss him, cry for him, long for him, talk to him but the hope of seeing him again someday has been more real to me right now than it has in 7 1/2 months. I hope reading this line brought a smile to your face because several months ago I couldn't fathom finding peace...ever...this is because of your prayers. I remember

walking past his crib a few weeks ago (which is in our room so I pass it frequently)

and for the first time I didn't feel like I was going to throw up or pass out. I felt

almost an inner calm. It was in that moment that I knew healing IS taking place. Often

times I don't feel as though I'm moving forward at all, so it was nice to be able

to see "evidence" of some gains. I'm sure it won't be that way every time, but it happened...

I felt it...

Everyone continues to tell me it does get better. So it must, right? I hope so...I must

believe that it does. And yet, there is something strangely reassuring

knowing that I will always have this empty space in my heart because it means I will never, ever forget Graham. Nothing and no one will ever be able to fill that

very special place I hold for him.

He's my son, my precious baby boy... he will be that forever and ever.

It feels as though I've been grieving forever. I'm still encountering so many firsts...One thing about grief that I never understood is that it's so encompassing. It's not just the ache and the tears that come on holidays or the 6th or 23rd of each month. It's the everyday life

experiences that are constant reminders of what we have lost...what we are missing...I know

that for the rest of my earthly life I will encounter things that will make me long for my son. I'm

continuing to pray that eventually they will not paralyze me like they do now.

I was watching James at the pool several weeks ago and he went to jump off the

diving board for the first time. Exciting right? Absolutely! But after beaming ear to ear I began crying...my joy immediately turned to sorrow because I realized I will never see

Graham jump off the diving board. Those types of experiences

while seeming trivial, continue to fuel my grief. I feel as though my entire

life will be full watching James and Lauren "do" life without Graham.

I often times find myself overwhelmed with how I will make it through life with this gaping hole in my heart. Yes, I know the pain will lessen and the emotions will not be so

raw, but the reality is I will ALWAYS, always miss, love, long for, and ache for Graham. I have to constantly remind myself to take it a day at a time...to stay focused on today... otherwise

I get too overwhelmed.

I'm learning and trying to incorporate my grief into my everyday life so that it doesn't

dominate my life. Right now it is still the first thing I think about when I wake up in

the morning and the last thing I think about when I fall asleep at night. I have felt a sense of renewal over the last few weeks of my body and spirit. I haven't felt so exhausted.

I'm so grateful for this breath of fresh air although wondering when it will end offers a great deal of anxiety. I'm trying to embrace this time knowing that possibly soon

I will be faced with those days and moments again when the tears won't stop,

when my prayers seem unheard, when God seems so far away,

when breathing is work, when I feel alone and hopeless,

when I wonder how I can go on.

Many of you have asked for specific prayer requests so here are a few:

September is right around the corner. Graham's first birthday would've

been on the 23rd. My emotions are already quite fragile as the anticipation

of this date draws near It's going to be really hard.

Please just say extra prayers for me during the next several weeks. Pray for

comfort and a sense of peace that we know can only come from the Lord. But also pray

for extra patience, extra laughs, and energy.

His headstone is also due to be completed by the beginning of September as

well as his memory trunk. We are so grateful to have these things completed

as we want to continue to memorialize Graham, but again it's the brutal reminder

of his absence...of the finality of his life on earth.

Finally, please talk to me... Please ask me how I am doing with my journey through grief

but also what's new in my life. Ask me about James and Lauren and how tutoring

is going. Ask me how many McDonald's cokes I've had that week (okay, maybe don't ) ;)

Tell me things you remember about Graham...how he looked, when you remember

seeing him last...don't be afraid of making me cry. Sometimes I will, but that's okay.

Don't feel badly about it. I don't mind crying...it offers a great sense of continued

healing. Some my greatest moments of encouragement have been when

people have told me what they remember about Graham or that they

think of him often. It makes my heart swell and my spirit soften knowing that others

still think of him and remember him. And I want to hear what's going

on in YOUR lives....I don't want it to be all about me and my sorrow. You are

important to me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...for your prayers, your notes, and your continued

thoughtful gifts. ...THANK YOU! We are humbled and amazed by the prayers and

support we have received. I would love to do a blog post

sometime on the amazing, thoughtful things people have done for us...for me. It's

really quite amazing. You are all really Jesus-with-skin-on friends.

We love you all...more than you will ever know and you hold such a special,

special place in our hearts.

Summer Living....

Wow...it's been 2 whole months since I've updated the blog. A lot has happened since then and yet a lot has stayed the same. We have been keeping very busy doing fun, summery things and I am grateful for that. I am also grateful for summer time for two other reasons: water and sunglasses. They are the two perfect ways to disguise tears and for that, I am very grateful. When James suspects I may be teary eyed he makes me pull down my sunglasses and says, "Mom, let me see your eyes." It is sweet and sad all at the same time.

Here are some things that have kept us busy....water balloons, many trips to the park and pool,

lots of time outside pretending to fight fires, maintain farms, play baseball, soccer,

basketball, tennis, sidewalk chalk, bike riding, garden maintenance, fishing, playing with cousins and friends, soccer camp, the 4-H fair...
James and Lauren are doing so well. They are just fantastic kids...not only do I love them with all my heart, but I thoroughly enjoy them. They make me laugh and they make me

smile with their funny comments, their snuggles, their hugs and kisses, and their love for us, for each other, and for Graham. James is starting Pre-K next Wednesday

and I can hardly believe it! I'm even more emotional about it than I anticipated I would be. I am so excited for him to go and learn and meet new friends, but it's one more

step toward growing up, toward not needing me the way he always has....

I'm looking forward to spending some special time with Lauren while James is at school. She so thoroughly enjoys one-on-one time with us. I plan to do lots of fun things with her. I also get scared about staying busy and keeping myself occupied. When I have just one of the kids with me it seems to be an even larger reminder of what is missing...

our Graham. I'm nervous about this transition stage, but am going to do my best to use my time to invest purposefully in Lauren.

Here are several pictures that show bits and pieces of what we have been doing this summer...

I will try and start doing a better job updating the blog so you don't have to read an entire

BOOK when I do update ;)

We took James to the rodeo! What a treat that was for him! And, we had "special" seats which

made it even more spectacular! We had such a great time with him

Riding a pony at the fair...

Sitting on tractors while waiting for the rodeo...

Riding rides at the fair in the rain...so fun....




James "teaching" me how to fish...hilarious! :)

A lot of snuggle time with the 3 of us...

Dress up...


James going off the diving board without floaties. He is SO big!



Swim lessons...


Soccer camp...



Swimming at Grandma & Grandpas....



Fishing at the pond....we caught a fish almost every time we cast the line.

Beach fun...

I will update soon on how I'm doing with life...with my grief journey...

I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your summer!

Grief

Many of you have probably already seen this picture...Isn't it amazing?! A lady in Australia writes names in the sand of babies who have gone to be with Jesus. It's breathtaking and what I think of when I dream of Graham being in paradise. I have wanted to go to Australia my entire life. Now, my dream is to stand on the beach at Mullaloo Point in Western Australia where my precious boy's name was written in the sand at sunset.

I have promised an update for quite some time and I apologize that I'm just now getting to it. I feel I have been open and honest with my emotions as ugly as they have been from the beginning almost 5 months ago, but I seem to be hitting a point where I'm not as comfortable sharing the nitty-gritty ugliness of my grief. Sometimes because I can't believe I'm still here...and to be quite honest, I rarely have words to express the thoughts and feelings that I still battle with daily...hourly at times. This post will probably jump all over the place as do my thoughts, but this is where I am.

The ache that is still so present in my longing for Graham still has no words. I feel as though a minute doesn't pass when I have not thought about him...most times still with sadness that he is not with us making sweet memories, wearing swim trunks, putting everything in his mouth, trying to crawl, helping celebrate holidays and family birthdays. But there are also times when I think of him and find myself smiling. I have such wonderful, precious memories with him in his 14 weeks of life. They say (and I believe) that losing someone you love is the greatest emotional wound possible. And that losing a child is the greatest of those wounds. Therefore, I try and remind myself that this terrible place that I'm at is "ok" and "normal" and again, that I won't be

here forever.

I still struggle with the death of my hopes and dreams that I had not only for Graham, but for our family...for James and Lauren. I don't want to accept that I will live with this gaping hole for the rest of my life. Not only was I forced to bury my precious little boy, but I buried bible songs I would have sung, little clothes, and his first day of school. Luke buried the baseball glove, playing catch and watching him grow to be a man. I've lost a great deal of my innocence about life. I miss when life seemed a little more black and white and not so gray. I miss when answers were simple. I miss when overwhelming to me used to be wondering when I was going to have a chance to take a shower and shave my legs (not really that petty, but I think you get it :) ) I miss the overall happiness and joy I used to feel about/toward life. I just miss the way things used to be...

I'm dealing with ugly, new emotions that arise from the depths of my being. My emotions are unpredictable and therefore often times embarrassing. I'm trying to move past my anger and bitterness knowing that I cannot continue to heal as long as they are this prevalent and yet it's so hard...it's brutal. Everything has two sides and it is a really tough balancing act. I want people to talk to me about the kids, me, life...anything other than my broken heart, but at the same time I want people to ask me how I'm doing with this whole grief thing, to talk with me about Graham, because I'm afraid he will be forgotten. And I'm not ok with that... I want to know that people are drudging through the mud with me, and not keeping a safe distance. I suppose I want fellow travelers on my road of misery. This probably sounds awful, but if you are walking with me or have experienced any grief, it probably needs no explanation. The best thing you could ever say to me is, "I feel your pain," or "This is awful," or just listen. I have all the head knowledge I feel like I could possibly have, but right now there is a big disconnect between what my head knows and what my heart feels and believes.

I try and brace myself for the "firsts" such as obvious milestones like holidays or monthly birthdays, but often times I am blindsided by other things that cause me to fall into a heap, usually figuratively, but sometimes in reality as well. Each date gives me a cause to grieve and a fresh awareness of our loss. We were driving to my nephew's birthday party over the weekend and I cried...a lot...because I will never have an 8th birthday party for Graham or buy him tee balls. He will never watch us make homemade popcorn or be the victim of James' brutal squirt gun target practice. My entire life has changed...and I don't like it one bit (the change). Although I believe daily we can make a choice to choose life, it's not easy. And some days and times are
much more difficult than others.

Right now I also feel as though I didn't/don't want to be a sweet sacrifice if it means I lost my Graham and am at risk of losing other people in my life. This isn't what I prayed for...at least I didn't think it was. If this is part of the deal then I want out. We dedicate our babies and pray for them. Why in all of God's love for me was saving my Graham outside His reach? I understand that our children are a gift from God, but to actually believe that to the extent where I must accept that His plans were different than ours and that Graham would be taken from this earth is simply mind boggling. I'm having a tough time letting go of the past.

God's timing seems wrong to me.

I'm learning that my emotions, even the intense ones, are horrible but won't kill me as I once thought. I'm learning that I can be vulnerable and real...and live to tell about it. Although I know I won't always be in this place, I'm here now...today...

I read this piece in a book and it summed up my emotions so well:

Real grief is not easily comforted. It comes like ocean waves rushing up the sand,

subsiding back, only to roll in again. These waves vary in size, frequency, and intensity. Some

are small, lapping up around the feet. Others are stronger; they foam the water around you and cause you to stagger. Then there are the overwhelming waves with an undertow that can turn your world upside down and drag you out into the deep waters.

For those of you who are reading this, please pray for us...all of us as we are
still looking face to face with our ugly reality each day. Pray for grace and peace, patience and understanding, hope and joy. I do believe God ordains all things for His glory and our good, and for the good of Graham too.

Thank you again for walking this journey with us.

The Everyday...

I wanted to give a brief glimpse into a few things we've been doing here in the Carpenter household over the last several weeks...we have been very busy!

Easter

You can imagine the anxiety that filled the weeks and days before Easter...our first "real" holiday without our Graham. The thought of celebrating without him was devastating and very emotional. Knowing that I was not buying him and James matching Easter outfits gave me a constant pit in my stomach. I had thought of all of the things I would have filled his Easter basket with if he were here. It was so hard to know what to do...I didn't want to get him an Easter basket and yet I didn't want to NOT get him one...again, it just feels wrong...like he's being forgotten. I spent a lot of time out at his grave that day and wrote him a long letter. I am grateful for the meaning behind Easter because it is because Jesus died and rose again that gives us the hope of seeing Graham again someday and yet (I feel) it's the same God that didn't remind Graham to breathe on January 6th...you can imagine my many emotions during this time even as I recall it several weeks later. After James opened his Easter basket he said, "Mom, I bet Graham got an Easter basket in heaven and he's probably going to church just like us." He is so precious in the way he remembers and thinks about Graham.

We had an emotional, but nice time with the kids...watching them open their Easter baskets and hunt for eggs with their cousins and be reminded of the true meaning of why we celebrate Easter. Reminding James and Lauren too that because of His death and resurrection they will get to see their precious Grammie again too...

Who told this little man he could get so big? Oh my goodness, he looks so handsome

and grown up! This was at his preschool program, but I couldn't get the picture to move down with the others. After about 8 failed attempts, I decided it would have to stay right where it is!

We colored many Easter eggs, and a cute little striped shirt of Lauren's. (oops!)
And we ate a lot of eggs...

***

We have made a few trips to the fire station

James went the first time with just Luke and it was a neat experience for him. They were all so kind and accommodating. They let him do and see just about everything. He wears his firefighter outfit often and puts out fires with the house hose usually every day...

Lauren got in on the action the next time, but I didn't have my camera with me.
***
We went to the circus...

They were standing in line to ride the elephant. It was very neat. The circus was

great! We had great seats and were able to see the animals closely. I'm not going to lie, I had my

escape route all planned out in case the tigers or lions escaped. It involved Luke distracting them as we ran :) No really...I did have an escape route. They didn't get out though and we didn't need to use my plan...

***

James' Spring Preschool Program



Doesn't this picture just make you laugh?! I mean, if they were going to have him be a flower, couldn't they have given him like a blue or yellow flower! Pink...really? :)

My parents came to watch James' big performance and he was so proud!

This was his favorite song called, "Sticky Bubblegum." They were chewing it during this part (I believe). It was adorable....

James got to be an apple tree for one of the songs. He thought that was lots of fun and of course we were VERY proud! :) His friend, Lillian, had to shake him and make the apples fall. It was pretty stinkin' cute! We were such proud parents, beaming from ear to ear the entire time.

Who couldn't love this face?! (Lauren...that is...) We finished off the night with ice cream from The Chief. It was cold out so Lauren was wrapped in a blanket. James was running around which is why I don't have a picture of him...I did try though...

The kids are doing well....we are spending lots of time outside playing in the sandbox, riding bikes, gardening, playing in the hose and just about everything else. What neat kids I have if I do say so myself! :)
They are so excited about our vacation to Florida. We are going to Disney (I've never been) and Gatorland. I'd like to take them to the beach as well, but we'll see how things are going down there. It is a very bittersweet time for us. We are so excited to get away and make some precious memories with James and Lauren and yet so saddened that Graham is not going to experience these memories with us. Please pray for me during this vacation and on Mother's Day. I'm thankful not to be home where I am even more surrounded and reminded of what we have lost, but will still have an incredibly emotional day. I'm so grateful for my 3 precious children...but I do wish that all three were here with me.

I will do an update on dealing with my life and grief. So many of you ask for updates, but the emotions that are involved in sitting down at writing out my jumbled thoughts and emotions is quite daunting. The last 3 weeks seem to have been some of my most difficult yet. I will update you all very soon! I hope you enjoyed our update on the kids. And again, please say extra prayers for us while we are away!

Love you all!

A New Season...

My earthly angels...

I hardly know where to begin as I write to all of you... I must thank you all again for your continual prayers and thoughtful notes, lyrics to songs, books about how to cope with grief, meals, toys for the kids, and the special things you have sent for just me...whether it has been something to pamper myself, a McDonald's Coke, or a special piece of jewelry that has Graham's name engraved on it. Thank you for inviting us over for dinner or dragging me out to dinner (girls). It is such an important part of our healing. Again, words cannot adequately thank you...you are all part of our journey...fortunately and unfortunately...

This post is going to be long...and full of a range of emotions...I'm preparing you now (don't say I didn't warn you!) ;) I have wanted to update it sooner and more frequently, but seem to have so little time when I can emotionally invest in typing it out...it has felt so daunting...so here it is...lots of it...Graham would have been 6 months today. I can hardly believe it.


Here's the answer to the dreaded question... How am I? I'd like to say that I'm "better" than I was almost 11 weeks ago when Graham left us, but I've tried to be honest with you all up to this point, so why stop now huh? It's horrible...awful...and in so many ways it's getting worse. The shock is still there many times, but the numbness has faded which makes the ache even more overpowering. Life is moving on...James, Lauren, Luke and I have gotten into a new routine. It is so hard and yet I know we must. We have to get out of bed each day and do life. The memories that we continue to make with James and Lauren are haunted by the thoughts of what could have been...Don't get me wrong please, James and Lauren are the loves of my life...nothing can or will ever change that, but my mother's heart still aches and longs for Graham. I know so many things that should make me feel "better." For instance, although I know I will see Graham again someday and it gives me a glimmer of hope, it doesn't "do it" for me. Although I know nothing can be greater than heaven, in my mind...being with me...his mom...his dad...James and Lauren and everyone else who adored him...nothing could possibly better. I'm hopeful that someday I will have more comfort in those things, but right now I want him...HERE...WITH ME...We are getting out more...doing things with friends...and it's been good...very good. It's always emotional when I come home and put the kids down for naps or bed and I'm alone.

Here we are 76 days later...on what would have been Graham's half-birthday. It's hard for my fingers to type that and to see through my heavy tears. I sobbed last week thinking about giving Graham rice cereal and knowing that every time I would shut the spout of the cereal box, it would probably have sent a puff of dry rice cereal to scatter on the counter. I wish so much I was cleaning up puffs of Graham's rice cereal right now. I'm sure he would have had a tooth or two...we thought for sure we felt one coming through right before he died and we laughed because James had his first tooth by 4 months. I will never see his little legs in shorts, or hear him giggle and see him splash in the kiddie pool. He never even got to go on a walk in the stroller. I wonder how much he would have changed. His hair was starting to get lighter. He was so sweet and pleasant...would he have started to like riding in the car? Probably not...he loved human interaction and touch. What would he have thought of the outdoors? Surely he would have loved them as much as his brother and sister. So many unknowns...


It seems that everything right now has two sides...we are doing a lot of fun things with James and Lauren and it's great...for them and for us...but even between the laughs and the smiles, there's the ache...All of you know of James' love for farm animals...especially cows....I had dreamed up taking all three of the kids out to see the cows this spring. That may seem funny to some of you, but the fact that Graham will not experience the sound of their loud moos that always seem to startle us and of course their smell, just rips my heart into more pieces. Many of you have asked if the warmer weather has been good and although it has because we love to be outside...again it's just a reminder of the seasons changing...life moving forward...and our shattered dreams. All of the things I thought we were going to be doing WITH Graham not with Graham in mind.

I still find myself plagued by questions as I replay that Wednesday and the days prior to that over and over again....I wonder if I missed anything...I'm so grateful that I didn't worry about cleaning up the mess from prepping dinner that afternoon. I thought about it but I wanted to just play and talk with Graham before I left. Silly boy wasn't interested in nursing that afternoon because he just wanted to look up at me and smile with his big, brown eyes. He played a little game with me...he would stare up at me and I could feel him just watching me and the second I would look down and smile at him, he'd get so excited. He'd kick his little legs and move his arms and make all sorts of blessed noises. I can see it and hear his sounds clearly. We'd play it over and over again. I'm so grateful I have those precious memories of just the two of us...and the late nights when we would snuggle and chat after everyone else went to bed especially with just the Christmas tree lights lit. Our life is just so different than it was. I know you've heard me say that hundreds of times and it hardly sums it up...but it is. I feel like I'm part of that old movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Or that I'm watching a bad Lifetime movie. It feels so out of body. My emotions are still so fragile and I cry so frequently. There are seemingly endless amounts of kleenex everywhere. Mostly used...some not...it seems that every time I put on anything with pockets, there are wads of kleenex in the pockets. Our grief is all encompassing. I have a hard time looking at people in the eye because I don't know what to say...and I know they don't either. This obviously creates very awkward moments socially. And normally, I don't feel awkward...I love talking with people...it's just amazing how much our loss has changed our surroundings.


The kids are doing well...they are enjoying the warm weather. We've already had many trips to the park, Tractor Supply, to see the cows, playing in the sandbox, riding bikes, and washing the van. They are just the best! They adore each other and love each other's company. They have many hugs, kisses, and I love you's for each other and for us every day. They both still talk frequently about how much they miss Graham and can't wait to see him. James has had concerns about who is tucking Graham in to bed and that tears me up...Lauren waves to his picture when she goes to bed...bless her heart. I wish I had their innocence.


Right now it seems that sorrow is my dominant emotion. I pray that in time it will become a part of my life but not my life. This new life with these new circumstances have required new adjustments, lots of growth, and constant struggles. Through this we are praying that we can begin becoming hopeful that life still can be good, although never the same as it was before or what we ever dreamed it would be. We have so many lost hopes and dreams...answers are missing. Large parts of our hearts have been ripped apart knowing they will never be completely repaired. Life is so fragile...


I find myself imagining our own story fitting into some greater scheme. I'm sure the half of
it which we may never fathom or even know. I do not see the bigger picture, but I have to choose to believe there is one and that our loss is part of some wonderful story God authored. I wonder about how my experience with loss will be able to help someone someday. Although I do not understand it and often times do not "feel" like it, I must believe that God is working toward an ultimate purpose and using our tragedy to that end. I have to believe that...otherwise it seems that this pain and hurt is for nothing. And that....I simply cannot bear.


Please continue to pray for us as we continue moving forward. Pray that we will continue to know how to answer questions James and Lauren may have. Pray for my emotions....the tears take such a toll on my physically and emotionally. It's just exhausting. Please continue to pray for Luke and I together that we will remain patient and understanding when feelings are abnormally sensitive and nerves are worn. We both miss Graham so much and although we
have laughed together many times, we also find ourselves wishing we were laughing without any reserve.


I'm going to leave you with something Luke emailed to me this morning. Love this guy...
I can’t really deal with it… sin robbed us of so much – but I have to find something to focus on… to be honest I can only think of what it will be and those who have gone thru this before us. God was enough when everything was good – now it seems like He’s gone. What we have to remember – even though it’s hard and we just want Graham – is that this is God’s specialty. He came to restore and comfort and fix what sin has destroyed. “blessed are those who mourn.” I can’t say it’s all the time and I surely can’t quantify it, but it does feel like God is slowly but surely putting feeling back into my numb body… God is not a tame lion and i cannot wait to see Him unleashed as sin and its effects are finally gone and sorrow is no more."

Please continue to pray for us. We love you all so much and are so truly grateful for you.

Here are a few pictures that I hope bring you smiles as they do me...

It was really tough to get pictures with and of the kids without Graham but we did it and I'm so grateful for them! They are both getting so big....wow....

Shattered Hearts...

Our precious Graham William (a.k.a. Grammie, Gram-bam, Grammers, Wam-bam, Grambo,

G-man...) One month ago, our lives changed in an instant and forever...it came to a screeching halt and wreaked havoc in every direction. I kissed the kids goodbye at 4:39 p.m. and called my mom on the way to tutoring to tell her how blessed I was to have the life I did and how precious Graham was and how much I adored him. In that moment I felt I was the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. Luke laid Graham down for his evening nap like he had done countless times before. I came home from tutoring and went to wake him up to nurse him. I was horrified to find he was

not breathing and unresponsive. The events and emotions that followed are horrific and traumatic. A typical Wednesday evening instantly turned into the darkest days and moments of our lives....that night and the days and weeks following we have felt unspeakable and often times unbearable pain. I have cried more tears in the last month than I probably have in my entire life put together. I have felt pain and sadness that cannot be put into words. My body has ached and felt physical pain and torment because of my broken heart and spirit. I have struggled with the why's and the what if's and have wondered how this could have happened to us. When I wrote that blog entry a few months ago titled You're Gonna Miss This...I had no idea that I would be wishing with everything in me that I could turn back the clock, wishing I could somehow go back and change the course of our lives. I have found myself bargaining with God. I have thought about all the things I would give up and live without just to have him back in my arms. I have struggled with the idea that God "allowed" this to happen to my baby. I've questioned where He was that night. Why didn't he just save him? It would have been so easy. I've understood first hand the ugly reality that life is unfair...and quite frankly, that stinks terribly. It's horrible and cruel. That this situation was completely out of our control...I did everything in my power to

be the best mom to Graham, to love and care for him unconditionally, to give him everything he could have ever needed and wanted...and yet...that wasn't "enough." That's hard for me as a mom. Those of you who know me well, know that I live and breathe being a mom. I love it with every ounce of breath and life in me. I have always felt blessed and grateful for what we had. And yet, somehow I wasn't able to protect and save my own baby. I long for the past and yet have hope for the future.

Everywhere I look I am reminded of what we have lost...our dear Graham. I began finally putting some of his worn, but unwashed clothing in zip-loc baggies in attempt to save a piece of him. I have a blanket of his that I often hold tight while I weep. It smells greatly of him and yet a bit more of me is beginning to be left on it and I hate it. His smell is starting to fade...again the reality of the finality. James asked to move his car seat back up to the front in the van and I can hardly entertain the thought. Not that it's any better looking at an empty base, but again it's the finality of it all. It's the reminder that life is moving on. I don't know if that makes sense...it's weird...although I know he's not coming back, I somehow feel that in every piece that gets taken away or put away, is a reminder that's he's gone forever. I don't really want life to move on because I don't have my precious baby and I can't imagine how I will and yet I don't want it to stay like it is because the pain is inescapable and I know time will help heal the wound. One thing that has been very difficult as well is taking pictures of the kids. I love taking pictures, but it just seems so "wrong" to just be taking them of James and Lauren. I peek in on the kids at night and feel as though someone has kicked me in the stomach when I see Graham's bedroom door open...dark and quiet. "This isn't that way it was supposed to be!!!!"I think...I just want to scream...

I had thought so much about all the things Graham would get to do with us. I will never hear him tell me he loves me or feel his arms around my neck. He will never taste play-dough, play hide-n-go-seek with James and Lauren, or laugh uncontrollably while being tickled. I have a difficult time not dwelling on all of the things we will miss doing with him. No first steps, first birthday, first swim, first foods, first day of school, first date... Each day I think about what he would have been doing, how much he would have been changing. I long to hold him again, to feel him slobber on my arm, to change his dirty diaper, to wipe up the spit-up, to give him a warm bath, to talk to him, sing to him, nuzzle him and love him with everything in me.

I'm trying to be the mom to James and Lauren that I need to be...that they deserve...and that I want to be. It's hard...it takes everything in me to nurture, love, discipline, and teach them each day. They are my constant joy and I am so grateful for them. They are precious...my ray of light in the dark tunnel I am in. Shortly after we lost Graham, I vowed not to let my kids lose their baby brother as well as their mother. I am so grateful for the thousands of prayers and messages I have received. I do believe it is the prayers of many and by God's grace that I am able to get out of bed in the morning. The kids are doing well. James talks frequently about how much he misses Graham but has often times said, "God must have just been ready for Graham to go to heaven." He asks when he will come back and when we can go to heaven and see him. Lauren doesn't seem to quite comprehend it. She gets excited when she sees his picture or his things, but hasn't verbally acknowledged his absence. We have hugged and kissed balloons and sent them to heaven for Graham. James especially loves that.

We are so grateful for the outpouring of love, support, and prayers we have received from so many people. Thank you for standing by us right now when we have nothing to give in return. The pain is still so incredibly raw and the ache is overpowering. Right now I can't even imagine not feeling this way. We know we have a long journey ahead of us...and I'm sure at times an ugly one, but we will come through this...somehow...some way. I do believe we have a choice whether we decide to live and love freely again. I want to choose to do so and hope that in time I can and will.

Please continue to pray for us as we are still trying to adjust to this new normal which right now I hate with everything in me. Please pray for the kids as they continue to ask questions about Graham. Please pray for me as a mom as I continue doing and being the things I need to for James and Lauren. Pray for our marriage as we have been stripped of everything we grew accustomed to. It is going to take time for us to heal individually and adjust to this new norm together. Pray that we will have patience and understanding toward each other that we both so desperately need. Pray for my physical strength as well. I still don't have much of an appetite and get sick shortly after eating. This has really taken it's toll on my body physically. I feel as though I am a stranger...I hardly recognize myself. I have feelings and emotions I have never felt and my body is anything but "normal."

Through this tragedy we know we must cling to the hope that we will see him and hold Graham again someday...our precious Graham. We miss you so much...you hold such a large piece of our hearts. We can't wait to see you again someday. I have never been so anxious for heaven! In the meantime, we will do our best to honor you by the way we live our lives.

A brief recap and a few favorites...

We have been very busy over the last several weeks as many of you have as well...Here are just some of the things that have kept us busy. We have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of these holiday festivities and just being a family making many precious memories!!

Christmas Tree Shopping

We went to The Chief again this year for a tree, but it was absolutely frigid that night and despite our attempt to bundle the kids up, the wind was relentless. We found a tree....quickly...very quickly...
Poor James....it was C.O.L.D. I felt terrible for him. This was his face after 2 minutes out of the van...literally...Lauren didn't care as much, but this expression was frozen to her face the entire time.
James was reenacting the man cutting the trunk off with is own chainsaw version. It was pretty sweet. Look closely and you can see Luke's big, work glove on too. His hand is in there somewhere ;)
I love watching the kids decorate the tree. Although, there were about 25 bulbs in a 5 inch radius :) We left it like that until we hosted Christmas. I figured I'd spread them out a bit.

Cooking Baking....We didn't do our annual cookie baking party with my sisters and the kids this year. It has just been a crazy kind of year. The kids loved doing everything with me and I sure enjoyed it although I had to pick out a few egg shells and had a lovely dusting of flour all over me.
Almost the favorite part....the frosting, sprinkles, and eating of the cookies won by a bit.

Christmas Eve in their new Christmas JammiesThis picture sums up what these 3 precious kiddos look like many times. James and Lauren are constantly lovin' on Graham. He is one lucky, little boy!

Lauren giving Daddy his good morning kiss on Christmas morning.Christmas morning family picture right before opening presents. The self-timer did a pretty good job!

Ahhh...the snow fun!!!!!
James got a new "James size shovel" as he calls it for Christmas and was thrilled that we drove home in a blizzard and he was able to use it. He has shoveled the driveway many times over the last few weeks!

Lauren loved being pulled in the sled and they enjoyed going down the hill in the back yard. I wasn't able to trek through the snow to get pictures of that...hopefully soon.

They have built 3 snowmen, just to be destroyed when they are finished. I guess that's a boy for ya and a girl who follows everything her brother does ;) So much fun and such great memories!


Last, but not least....my sweet, precious baby boy turned 3 months! Wow, it truly does go faster with every baby! LOVE HIM!!!!!

He smiles and talks to us lots and lots. He would prefer to be entertained by one of us than a toy. The kids both get so excited when the see the monitor lights blinking because that means he is up. And when he fusses they take turns trying to bring him different toys. It's really one of the most precious sights for me as a mama.

He loves his fists and hands. He knocks out his pacifier to get to them. They're often times pink from being sucked on...

Lauren has just become a little mommy to Graham. She loves to snuggle with him, give him things, and tries to pacify him when he's upset. He has brought us so much joy. We're dealing with some minor bumps right now. He's pretty small, so we're trying to supplement a bottle each day of formula to see if that increases his weight. But, he vomits terribly when he takes a bottle. We're trying to figure out if it's the formula or the bottle. We are getting ready to try reflux medicine as well...he doesn't sleep well at all and we don't know if that's due to his size or anything else that's going on...Pray for us if you think of it. It's tough to know how much to push and when to continue asking questions and try new things. He is just the best! I adore him!!! :)

We are so blessed by fantastic family who love and support us, great friends, healthy, vibrant kids and an awesome God who we celebrate during this season. We have so much to be grateful for.