Lord willing, tomorrow we will meet our baby girl. The baby girl that has been prayed fervently for for quite some time by us and by many of you. I got the May baby I prayed so hard for over the last several months. I've always wanted a May baby. Partly because I'm a May baby and I just think it's a great month. After we lost Graham and began even discussing having another baby, I prayed for a May baby. I wanted the baby to be born in a different season than Graham was and in the season when we lost him. When I think of May, I think of the guarantee of warmth right around the corner, sunshine, fresh green grass and blooming flowers. I think of new life and fresh starts. Thank you Jesus, for my May baby.
There is such a wide array of emotions swirling in my head and heart right now. Excitement...for this miracle and life that's been growing inside of me for 40 weeks and 3 days. Anticipation...of the joy she will bring to our family and to our lives. Anxiety...how will I be at peace? How will I lay her down to sleep and walk away? How will I not worry every second of every day if she is breathing or not? How will I turn this fear over to the Lord? Guilt...that we are having another baby. That Graham will no longer be the last memory we have with a baby. That in one sense we are opening up a new chapter of our lives and choosing to move forward. Vulnerable...that again we are choosing to give life and love again knowing there is a risk. Risk that she won't be with us as long as we pray for her to be. Fear...that when I nurse and rock this baby girl I will be thinking of the last time I did that...with my Graham and that will widen those already gaping holes in my heart. It's so hard to know what it's going to be like to deal with the emotions that I know will come as we have a precious little life to hold and nurture again and sometimes the unknown is the scariest part for me. This is when I wish there was a manual that told me what would happen next.
I went to the cemetery tonight for the last time before this baby arrives. Tonight I could have curled up on the grass next to his black granite stone with his face printed on it and cried for a long time. I told him that his little sister will be born tomorrow. I let him know we will never stop loving him, or thinking of him, or longing for him. I told that I wish I had to buy one more big brother shirt and that I wished I was packing a bag with his little jeans in it too. I asked him to help watch over the new baby as well as James and Lauren and keep them safe and to give me a special peace. I told him how much James and Lauren miss him and what a good big brother and sister they will be to her just like they were to him. I told him I wish I wasn't visiting his grave and placing flowers at the base but instead doing last minute meal planning. I told him I wish our van was filled with 4 car seats right now instead of just 3...I told him that James reminds me that Lauren will be sitting where he did when we brought him home from the hospital. I told him he will always be my precious baby...forever and ever and always...and I cried some more...
So as we await this arrival of this precious gift, this answer to our prayers, our hearts are still heavy as we think about Graham looking down from heaven instead of running around a hospital room with his matching big brother shirt on. I am so grateful for the chance to give life again...to love even if it does mean the possibility of loss. As we enter this new stage of our family, of our grief, of our lives, I am excited and yet fearful for these upcoming days, weeks and months. Loving a child as deeply as any mother does is so scary, especially if you have lost one. I pray to Jesus that I will soak up every second of every snuggle, every 2 hour feeding, every diaper change, and fussiness, every ounce of craziness and turn over my fears and anxiety to Him knowing He is the ultimate giver of peace.
So tonight, I go to bed for the last time as a mother of 3...as a family of 5...because tomorrow my friends, I will Lord willing be a momma of 4...we will be a family of 6 and although it hurts deeply that Graham isn't here sharing this new chapter with us, I am grateful God saw fit to bless us again with a new life.